Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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