he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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