Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
