i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
