I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
