I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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