Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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