if you like me you must not know who I am
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
