The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
