i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
