Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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