the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
