Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
