Betty ford says i'm here all night
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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