genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
