Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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