considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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