I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
