I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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