i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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