my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
