Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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