saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
