hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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