Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
