She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
