If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
