mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
