I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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