There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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