guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
