I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Acid is not a monday night drug
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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