She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
