Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
