We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
