Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
