I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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