At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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