I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
