alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
