OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
