Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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