what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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