I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
