Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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