it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
