You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize