I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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