In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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