hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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