I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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