at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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