He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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