do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
