I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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