I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
