I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
