Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
