this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
