I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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