just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize