i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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