Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
