I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
