Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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