his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
